5 Simple Date Ideas for Building Intimacy in Long Term Relationships
The Vulnerability of Going Back to the Basics
I do this interview series on Substack where I ask normal people willing to be vulnerable with me (anonymously) about what love means to them and how it colors their daily life. One of the questions is, “What is the perfect first date?” The answer that people almost always give is, “I know it’s a little basic but just coffee.” When I ask why, they also all give similar answers. Coffee is simple, it makes a lot of space to focus on the other person, and it makes most people feel comfortable.
As our relationships go on though, there’s this universal pressure to build on the grandiosity of our time together. We want to wow, to impress our partners in an effort to show them how much they mean to us. And that’s a beautiful instinct! But when was the last time you just went out to coffee with your partner?
Why "Basic" Date Ideas Build Deeper Intimacy
You may often have a formal date night where you both try to do something that seems to have gravitas: a nice dinner, a concert, a sports game. But there are a lot of moments in a long term relationship. When you have a lot of something, each specific instance may seem to lose value, your time together blurring into a sort of unfocused mishmash. You love your partner but that “tunnel of love” vision you had when you started dating becomes really hard to access.
My hot take is that a fancy date night can actually hinder more than it helps. How much can you really focus on your partner when there’s so much going on like at a concert or a game? Our relationships don’t get simpler over time, they actually become much more complex. We start to take on responsibilities in a shared life, we have personal needs, and we want to maintain friends and family ties as well. So the initial instincts when we go on a first date with someone: to remove unnecessary distractions, to create a situation of calm, and to remove the pressure to impress… These don’t become less necessary they become more so.
Moments don’t become special in our lives because they are rare or expensive. They become special because we give our full attention to them. Remember when you first started dating? You could just lie in bed all day making jokes and tickling each other and napping and you felt like you were in heaven. Why can’t that be date night?
These relationship building activities don't require grand gestures. They are not bold or unique suggestions. They are permission for you to carve out time to focus on your love without the fear of being “boring.” It’s the simple pleasures in life that truly have the most value and applying that mentality to the time you spend with your partner? It’s almost annoying how wonderful it can make you feel. Here are 5 simple date ideas for couples that focus on connection over complexity.
Date Idea #1: The Sunset or Sunrise Walk
When was the last time you saw the sun rise or set? I kind of use this question as a barometer for how mindful I’ve been lately. Naturally in a realistic life you are not going to have hours to spend in meditation or hit a yoga class every day or journal constantly. But the sunrise and the sunset is about ten minutes. Just making that little bit of time to step outside, take a breath, and remember it can be fun to be alive is so nourishing. Stress is like the opposite of rose colored glasses and when we start looking at our relationship through those ugly gray glasses, we can start to see problems that aren’t really there or even create them (guilty.)
Simple romantic date night ideas like sunset walks create bold lasting memories and a two for one! Stress relief and accessible romance. Pick a nice quiet park or even just your neighborhood and go for a little walk as the sun rises or sets. Whichever works for your schedule. This one is great for Monday night as you’ve probably been hit in the head with the busy hammer and could use a little stress reliever. Here are some conversation starters to help you guys really connect to how you’ve been feeling lately and check in. At the end I promise you’ll feel that lovely close, “Oh wow, I really love you” feeling.
What is your favorite thing that happened today?
What is one mini dream you have for this week?
What is a habit or worry you would like to let go of lately?
Is there anything I have done or said in the past week that made you feel really good?
What is something really interesting you’ve learned lately?
Something EXTRA romantic is a full moon walk. Schedule a little stroll for the next full moon. It’s so magical and so under done.
Date Idea #2: Cooking Together at Home
On Sundays my favorite thing for my partner and I to do is make a roast together. I do the chicken, he does the sides, and we both put our hands on this lovely meal that is so special to us. It’s a wonderful little dance. At different parts of the meal we have to trade places in the kitchen, share it, help each other. The cooking of a roast takes a bit of time and that time working together guarantees that we’re also meaningfully connecting with each other. It’s a reminder we have each other’s backs, we’re creating a life that feels good to both of us, and that there is romance in the every day.
I talk about it in more detail in this post but according to studies, couples who collaborate and work towards goals together in fun ways (like a hobby or a shared pastime) report happier more enjoyable and more long lasting relationships. Romanticizing domestic collaboration is nice because it’s cozy and sweet but it’s also something you were going to do anyways! You have to eat so why not eat AND meaningfully connect. Cooking together is one of the best couples activities at home that’s easy to romanticize.
Some tips for making it connection focused:
Make something you both enjoy cooking. If you hate cooking, make something simple and be playful about it. Put on some music and eat little snacks as the macaroni boils instead of making pasta from scratch if you don’t love cooking.
Divide up the tasks in the beginning. I make the chicken, my fiancé makes the potatoes, we split up whatever else we’re making but have a plan before you dive in.
Ask for help. Sometimes my partner needs to tend to the potatoes and his gravy boils over and it gets stressful. Just call out, “Hey honey! Can you stir the gravy?” Then you get a lovely reminder that you don’t need to do it all on your own.
If you have kids, give them a task so they’re busy too! Even as small as “We’re having cookies for dinner, can you put them on a plate?”
Date Idea #3: A Childlike Game
When was the last time you played Twister or hide and seek? We place so much importance on play for children but often as adults we forget it for ourselves entirely. And that sucks! Because play is such a powerful force for magic in our lives that costs nothing, is easy to incorporate, and makes every single thing feel better in our day to day.
Play in a relationship has so much power, specifically with physical intimacy. Just being free and unencumbered with no goal but to have fun lifts this giant weight off of our shoulders. We’re reminded being with someone is really fun! We don’t have to complicate it. Play tag. Have a paint fight in the yard. Play double dutch. Run through a sprinkler. Make a pillow fort. Throw a frisbee around. Have a dance party in the living room. Include the kids if you have them or don’t! But I bet they will be delighted to see their parents having fun on their own either way.
Playful intimacy building exercises like this remind us why we fell in love in the first place. Just being physically free and in tune with what feels fun will take you out of problem solving mode and drop you right in the middle of savoring the present moment like you did in the honeymoon days.
Date Idea #4: Ted Talk and Chill
We intake so much information. About our own lives. About our families’ lives. About what is going on in the world. About recipes we want to make. About cleaning hacks we don’t even really care about. We spend hours taking in information. It’s easy to assume that it’s all a bit meaningless or to focus on the negative. But I actually think we are all compiling this really interesting tapestry of what we personally find unique and fascinating.
You know those Power Point parties? Where friends each make a Power Point presentation on any random topic they want to explain and everyone takes turns presenting along with drinks and snacks? I want you to do that with your partner. You don’t have to actually make a Power Point if that sounds fussy to you. You could gather some nice drinks and snacks, plop down on the couch, silence the phones, and take turns setting a timer for ten minutes each. Then just talk about what you’re fixated on lately! For me it’s Kate DiCamillo books. Maybe for you it’s The Pitt or cloth diapering. Open up your mind and let your partner in. You may think they know what’s going on in there but unless you devote time to sharing, they really don’t! You’ll each learn things you didn’t know: about each other, about the world, about your relationship.
The key is to pick something or things that you’re genuinely really interested in to talk about. What can you not shut up about? What could you personally give an impromptu Ted Talk about?
Date Idea #5: Drive Down Memory Lane
Reminiscing together is powerful for strengthening relationships over time. Couples who reminisce together on their love story have scientifically shown to have more fulfilling relationships. In a long term relationship, you both play such a role in how you’ve grown, in the person you’ve become. You’ve shared some of your happiest memories, some of your hardest defeats, and some of your most pivotal moments. Walking through the story of your life reminds you of the beauty your partner has added to it you otherwise would have missed out on.
Cherish your love story. Visit some places that mean something to you. Maybe you’re both from the same home town or you revisit the place you got engaged. Go on a little road trip or just swing by a place that’s close to you that has positive memories associated with it. My partner and I live about an hour away from the small town where we fell in love so we like to go back a couple times a year and hit the pizza place and the old movie theatre.
If you can’t get out of the house for that long (fair), you could just use this digital download journal I made that provides an easy guide for writing down your favorite memories of the past month.
Embracing the Beauty of Simple Connection
A little note. A shared meal. A moment to admire the sun and the moon. It is a fallacy that romance is difficult. Romance is the elevation of our attention to another not the elevation of the circumstances. We are what we repeatedly do, not what we do in full force occasionally. Show your partner that you love them in little ways every day and you won’t have to worry about impressing them once a month.
For an easy, guided way to powerfully connect.
You can purchase and print this digital download journal I made for you as a simple but powerful tool to connect with your partner and reignite the intensity of your love.
That’s all for now folks! Thank you for reading! 💌
and for updates on more posts like this with special extras and more of my experience experimenting with small, gentle ways to build a life full of love, you can subscribe (for free) to my Substack below.
