My Best Gentle Grief Advice: 5 Practices That Actually Helped Me Heal

Authentic, loving guidance for anyone walking through grief - from someone who's been there.

Almost two and a half years ago now, my dad died. Which is strange because when I think about him, I still think he was here just yesterday.  I’ve talked about his passing in more poetic detail over on my Substack but this blog is a space for me to talk about practices I use to feel a bit better and brighter everyday in more applicable, concrete ways. I’ve been really looking forward to writing this post because grief is such a universal human experience, and so tied to the love we have for people (the two subjects closest to my heart.) But while universal, it’s not often a casually discussed topic in American culture. 

I don’t think this necessarily with bad intentions; I think most people want to be considerate and not bring up upsetting memories or topics with their friends and loved ones. But in not wanting to upset each other, we lost the opportunity to work through our upsets un-alone. In not talking about grief, it becomes this scary, mysterious monster that looms as an inevitable visitor one day. At least it did for me. Even before I had any reason to grieve or expect grieving, I was so scared of it. I thought grieving would debilitate me to the point of no return. 

I’m happy to report that is not the case. Two and a half years into my grief journey, I have learned so much about love, myself, my past, and my relationships. I have experienced more brightness and intensity of emotion than I ever had in my adult life. And there were extreme bouts of sadness and negativity, but that was not the only color that shaded my journey and it is the one that is talked about most. 

To anyone grieving, I send so, so much love to you. Grief is an all consuming state that changes every single aspect of your life. If you’re struggling, I have been there and can promise you relief does come. If it’s been a strangely beautiful time for you, know that there’s nothing weird about that and no need to feel guilt or shame around being grateful for your grief. 

Of course, if there’s one lesson I’ve learned about all others in grief, it’s that the experience is COMPLETELY different for every single person, even if you’re all grieving the same person. These are some practices and lessons I’ve picked up that have really soothed me but it’s okay if they’re totally wrong for you and they might be. Listen to your intuition above anyone else’s advice and naturally, these bits of wisdom are just a gal talking about life and love and not expert opinion whatsoever. If you’re in need of help or support, seek out mental health providers, grief support professionals, and medical professionals. I did and I will have some links down below that are helpful if you don’t know where to begin with that.  

Remember Them by Living Their Best Qualities

For me, memories were really hard at the beginning. Thinking about my happy memories with my dad seemed like the most natural way to feel close to him but they were so painful. Often they would make his absence feel more pronounced and leave me feeling a lot of anguish. 

Instead, I made a list of my favorite things about my dad. For instance: he was an extremely hopeful person. He had a very inspiring, buoyant nature to him. He always had time to talk to people from a drive thru cashier to a phone call with his sister. He loved classic romance movies. He believed in everyone and tried not to judge people.

I thought of this list every day and tried actively to practice my favorite qualities about him in my interactions with others and my work. Then it made me feel like in these little ways, he was still a part of my life and my days, every day. 

Give Yourself Permission to Rest with the Baby Bunny Time Method

There is the emotional part of grieving: the sadness, the joy and everything in between. There is the mental part of grieving: the confusion, the questions and the need to make sense of it all. But there is a very physical reaction of grief that is often excluded from discussions about grieving. 

The body has such a strong reaction to someone you love not physically being around anymore. I was so tired, I often slept 10-12 hours a night without waking for months. I think processing such a big, complicated change causes the body to need a lot of rest and protection. Most of us can already be quite resistant to rest and grief can really intensify that. But it was often the only thing that genuinely made me feel better in the early days.

After work, I would carve out space for what I would call “Baby Bunny Time.” I treated myself with the self-care during grief that I would treat a scared, small bunny rabbit I was nursing back to health. I removed any upsetting stimulus like violent tv or news. I got clean and put on comfy clothes. I’d get nourishing foods I liked (and sometimes! Not nourishing foods I liked!) and then I would just sit around. I would play cozy video games or nap or just lay. 

This might sound like run of the mill wallowing but what makes it different is intention. Wallowing can sometimes make you feel worse because there is resistance to the sadness or the cause of the sadness. Baby Bunny Time is about accepting where you are and what you need with the intention of presence. Not fighting or pushing against any of your circumstances and just leaning into what your body is telling you it needs. 

Alternatively! Your Baby Bunny Time might be going for a run or seeing friends. Only you know what’s going to make you feel better but Baby Bunny Time is about radically giving it to yourself. 

Expect the Unexpected: Grief Will Surprise You - And That's Normal

There was never a single moment that I accurately predicted what reaction I was going to have to literally anything while I was in the depths of my grief. I would watch an old movie my dad and I loved to watch together and feel fairly normal when I thought I would sob the whole time. Then I’d pass his favorite cookies at the grocery store and sob. I thought grief would be this never ending stream of anguish and sometimes I felt this absolutely beautiful elation like nothing I’ve ever felt before.  

We are reborn in grief. One day you wake up grieving and you have a new mental, emotional, and physical landscape that will have a completely different road map from your old one. Be so intensely, carefully patient with yourself. Remind yourself constantly that your reactions and feelings might often surprise you. 

Write “Expect the Unexpected” on a post it note and stick it up somewhere you will see it a lot. And if you get scared by what you’re feeling or thinking, have a list of go to calming thoughts or rituals. Things that helped me were just stepping outside for minute in the fresh air, getting a glass of water, warm washcloths on my face, and laying down in bed for a little bit. 

Be Honest About How You're Really Feeling

You can expect the unexpected from yourself but also from others. Grief can be a highly sensitive topic when brought up to other people as well as yourself. Strong emotions in public spaces or in conversations can bring up feelings of embarrassment or shyness and certainly did for me. But I decided at the beginning of my grief journey I wasn’t doing anyone any favors by keeping my grief to myself. 

I challenged myself to be quite explicit in my grief journey. I would genuinely detail how I was feeling to friends and my partner and even acquaintances with complete honesty. I’m not saying you have to bare your soul to every person you meet (unless that feels good) but I am saying that you should prioritize your own feelings of safety and calm. 

I cried every time someone brought up my father in the early days, no matter who it was. And it was really painful to try to shove that down. So I just cried! You only mourn a loved one so many times, it is natural and correct for it to be apparent and unavoidable. I said how I was feeling even if it didn’t match up with the grief script that makes people comfortable. For instance I had a period of a lot anger and with people I trusted I explained that. “I’m feeling really angry and it’s hard to navigate.” 

On the flip side, I found people are extremely curious around grief and there were days I just didn’t have it in me to talk about it. I appreciated people asking me about my mourning but often they ask really personal questions: about your feelings, about your affairs, about the deceased’s passing and life. I don’t lament this, I think we are all curious about death. Some days I wanted to talk about it and some days I had to shut it down quickly. Additionally talking to certain people may make you feel better while others make you feel worse. Be sensitive and mindful about who you choose to include on your journey. It’s your grief and you deserve to feel completely supported. 

Don’t hide behind being “fine.” both when you do want to express your feelings and when you don’t. If someone is making you uncomfortable, have a polite response that changes the subject on hand; trust me, you will use it a lot. “Thank you so much for asking. I’m a little overwhelmed with talking about it right now but how are you doing! How is [xyz that you know about their life.]” 

I was never ONCE fine for a really long time. There were days I was happy, there were days I felt overwhelmed, there were days I was grateful, there were days I was melancholy. Be what you are and don’t apologize unless you’ve genuinely overstepped someones boundaries. 

The Truth About Grief Clichés (They’re More Scary Than True.)

There is no shortage of overused advice out there about grief. Things that feel quite ominous. “Grief never ends, you just get better at carrying it.” and the like. 

These WERE NOT comforting to me to say the least. Most of the clichés feel the need to tell you you will never stop grieving. You will never stop hurting. And that’s not true. The reality is so much more complex. 

A better way to sum up what these adages are trying to say in my opinion is that, grief makes you bigger. You feel more, and more new emotions than you ever have. You see more, have more questions and more observations that you did before. You want more, you want to live and apologize and seize your moments. There is great sadness, but there is an equal measure of hope. And that capacity to feel, to know, to act: that never goes away and with some love and patience you will be so grateful that it doesn’t. 

My life has changed so rapidly on my grief journey. Where I have ended up would have been unimaginable to the person I was before my dad died but the surety I feel that it is exactly where I’m supposed to be is unlike any comfort I’ve ever known. And I wouldn’t be here without grief. 

I like to think it’s my dad’s hand from above, guiding my path to the best outcomes I haven’t even dreamed of. 

Have patience. Be kind to yourself. And hold onto whatever thoughts bring you hope. 

I love you ❤️‍🩹 Thank you for reading.

Resources

For finding a therapist when it is a financial burden: Open Path

For finding a therapist if you’re new to therapy: Grow Therapy

A grief meditation series that really helped me: Calm

and for updates on more posts like this with special extras and more of my experience experimenting with small, gentle ways to build a life full of love, you can subscribe to my Substack below.